Truth Circle. February 9, 2010

I’m sure you would be happy to tell me how much you, personally, heart the truth. I am sure. And you might even have some basis for making that statement~ for instance, I’m sure you probably do love it when people tell YOU the Truth~ which a lot of times is less Hardcore Catharsis and more Juicy Gossip~ most people love to be the recipient of a piece of Juicy Gossip, along with the admonishment to “never tell ANYBODY!” (It’s like being in the CIA. If I were, in some horrible and bizarre twist of fate, to ever stop painting, the CIA is my back-up plan.)  You probably also realize that lying to people you love is bad, especially if they catch you at it. You might have vague moral pangs from the days in which you were forced to go to church, or even beyond that, feel like you don’t want to associate yourself with the sort of people who lie consistently~ those people are clearly criminals, assholes, or maybe even crazy. Nobody wants any of THAT. But can you tell me~ if there was some wave of strange magic that touched down on Earth, and suddenly, the depths of your soul, the inner workings of your life, your true feelings and agendas and actions were exposed, how would that go down for you?

Right.

So, what if we all just Truth Circled our faces off? How bad could it REALLY be? Obviously, everybody is scared that it would at least be sort of bad. But the thing is, okay. First of all, the truth is never worse or more impossible to deal with than the bullshit surrounding not knowing it or trying to figure it out or concocting wild fantasies about what it might be. Second of all, we are actually always waiting for those moments, those people, those places, where we can really let our defenses drop and just be ourselves, in raw form. That’s what it’s all about, right? The people we LOVE, the ones that make us who we are and shape our lives, are the ones we trust with our secrets, our fears and our dreams, the people who get us, because they’ve seen us. And we’ve seen them. When you’re given the privilege of witnessing anyone’s true self, it’s always gorgeous, and humbling. There is a mess of ridiculous emotional baggage that occasionally comes out of people when they’re tired/drained/bored/drinking, and that’s not what I’m referring to. The true soul of a person, EVERY person, is a glorious thing to behold. It isn’t because anybody’s perfect. It’s because even though there is this darkness that’s touched all of us in some ways, there is still this immense beauty to the human experience, to the resilience of the human spirit, to what we dream, what we can create, and the entirety of our stories. It’s fucked up and it’s painful sometimes, but it’s still an incredibly juicy world. And that struggle, the dichotomy of the most exquisite and noble and the most horrific and morbid, is the place we all live and the fight we’re all fighting. The potential for everything lies within us, and what makes us great is what we choose to do with that power. There isn’t anything to be ashamed of. I mean, if you’re really invested in wallowing in a pit of crusty shenanigans, and you’re absolutely disinterested in changing that fact, then I suppose you can have that and this doesn’t apply to you. But far and away, most people are striving towards a life filled with beauty and rich in purpose, that they can look back on and feel proud of, and will be remembered fondly, by someone, after they’re gone. It isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. That’s the reason we all get up and keep truckin’, even after we’ve been clobbered by something really hard to take. It’s what unites us, and makes this journey ours, together.

Everybody has dreams that are just their own. It’s meant to be that way. We’re all meant to make our own stamp, whatever our methods. What comes out of us creatively is a little piece of us eternalized, and as individual as a fingerprint.  It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it’s what you love~ you can be an artist with math or food or plumbing. Independent thinking is the foundation of culture and progress, and the impetus to keep moving forward. The ideas that have changed the world have generally never been discovered by committee. In fact, the most important ones are usually completely ludicrous in terms of the times. So yeah, it’s vitally important for us to trust ourselves, and blaze our own trails if need be. But after ALL that~ when it all comes down to it, sorry, but it’s still all about the people. People are what make it all worth it. People are the reason to keep waking up every morning and giving our gifts. Without people, you’re pretty much just roaming around on this giant space rock, and, even if you’re possessed of the free will to create whatever you please, after awhile, it would just get really boring. Love, in all its varied forms, is what’s driving the Universe. And when we look back on our lives, it’s the moments we spent with the ones who are sacred to us that are going to matter more than anything. Even in our work, the moments in which we know we’ve been able to touch someone’s life are the ones that define us. We need to know what we do has meaning, and the blessed fact that we can touch each other in such profound ways gives us that. And look, like I said, I’m all for impassioned mission of the solitary individual. Sometimes, you’re born knowing something other people don’t know, and you have to go out and fearlessly show them all what you’re talking about.  It’s not that conquering the world isn’t a great idea. It’s just that conquering the world, and then basking the victory with someone who totally understands what it took and what it means  is clearly a million times better.

So, being that love is like, pretty important, there’s a necessary contingency on that. You have to let people see who you really are.  Even the parts of you that you’re most ashamed of or embarrassed about. You’ve got to put it out there. All of it  To someone who loves truly loves you,  every little part will be completely delicious.  And in terms of the difference you intend to make in the larger world, it’s really no different. Share your gifts with abandon. What are you saving them for? The pieces you’ve been entrusted with are vital and precious, and if you don’t bring them, everyone misses out. There’s nowhere else to give them, and nothing else that deserves them more than right here, in this moment. Every part of your life can be a heartwrenchingly full and gorgeous expression of who you actually are, if you’re not stingy with yourself. It’s happening. Don’t miss it.

(Truth Circle, by the way, is an invention of mine, KT’s and Tyler’s, about six months ago in my mom’s kitchen. We were discussing how great it would be if everyone we knew were all locked in a room, and just spilled the beans about EVERYTHING that had happened, how they felt, and what was REALLY going on. Great idea! Of course, it never happened, and then months went by and it started seeming more and more like the worst idea in the world. This is a really preachy blog, mainly because I’ve realized in the past week or so how much everything I haven’t been saying has obscured my vision and robbed me of clarity, and how much it’s compromised my relationships, even with my favorite people. So basically, this is an attempt to rile myself up because I’m about to go out and Truth Circle my life. All of it. Amongst traveling around and having more fun than I’ve had in awhile, this is what my 2010 is gonna be about. And it’s a strange thing that happens, after you really speak your piece. You’re completely free. It really doesn’t matter what the other person says, because you completely and fully did your part. Which is all you have to do.)

So the moral of the story is, the truth will set you free. So. Everybody, one, two, three, let’s get liberated together!

Cheers,

Sarah

Blood is Thicker than Mud~ It’s a Family Affair February 1, 2010

So.

Apparently, sangria and the Full Moon are a wicked combination. Last night was incredibly dramatic, though hopefully cathartic. Apparently, I screamed “WELL, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!!” at Steven, who was simultaneously storming out onto the patio to throw his wine glass at the building opposite ours. It smashed on the wall, and left a stain. I went into the bathroom to throw up~ something I haven’t done from drinking in a looooong time~ and passed out on the floor. Laine came into the bathroom and looked into the toilet, and was riveted. She said it was the most beautiful puke she’d ever seen~ strands of red and purple in a swirly mesmerizing pattern. “I wanted to take a picture of it. It looked like a painting. I thought to myself, ‘There’s something magical about this girl.’ You’re like a unicorn.”

(That’s the third time in my life somebody’s informed me that I’m a unicorn. Weird.)

Last night was the first “Family Dinner”, a weekly occurence that was recently instated when Will rolled into town. He lives six blocks down from us on the other side of Whole Foods, and I’m completely delighted about it.  This is the first time Tom, Will and I have lived this close to each other since we were all living in the same house (“Remember, you don’t REALLY live here”, the brothers reminded me), and it’s an attempt (mainly championed by me) to get everybody together, hanging out, cooking, bonding, those sort of things. Another huge wave of change is on the horizon at the same time~ the end of the Ranch. It’s been a crazy year for all of us, and everything that’s happened and hasn’t been talked about or resolved is sort of rearing its head now, so the next phase can start untainted. There’s also plenty of ideas amongst everybody about how things should be handled, and they don’t all necessarily jive with each other. So, last night, with the help of several bottles of wine/sangria, the shit hit the fan.

Now, I won’t say that I particularly love it when shit hits the fan. It’s just that sometimes, screaming and shouting and being completely unreasonable about it is the only way to clear the air with any real effectiveness. We’re emotional beings, primarily. People forget that, but in essence, all we’re ever really chasing is a feeling. If we feel good about our lives, our jobs, our bodies, our relationships, we’re golden. If we feel like something’s missing, we go around experimenting with ways to fill that hole~ but it’s all instinctual appraisal, based on how things make us feel. Because of that, all the emotions we don’t allow ourselves to express wind up building in our psyches and bodies, until eventually there’s nothing to do but have a breakdown. It’s going to come out, somehow. And for some reason, anything you express that’s actually authentic makes you feel wonderful, and is impossible for other people to deny. It’s what’s ACTUALLY going on, not the press release. And that’s what we’re all REALLY interested in.

I also count on Will to bring about this sort of thing. Though you’ll rarely see him lose his cool, he’s a deeply sensitive and passionate man, and he notices every nuance of shenanigans happening around him. It’s an issue of context, and for him, allowing toxic bullshit to go ignored is completely unacceptable. Because of this, these sort of dramatic occurences seem to spring up around him~ sometimes, without his direct influence. Just by his presence, the truth winds up coming out somehow~ in all its glorious and sticky wonder. It’s a cool superpower, and one I used to share more strongly, before I got into the bad habit of silence.

The Ranch ending is a strange thing. I pulled out during my time in Atlanta, so I’d already finished my personal business with it. But the boys leaving is a whole other animal. Dan’s looking for a shop space in town, and there’s been talk about maybe finding a retail space where we can hold shows. The band’s going to move into a house together and practice there. Everything’s going to be different, and the thing is, this past year has seen profound changes in all of us.  2009 was hard. Enlightening, but also total ass-pain. Personally, I couldn’t be more ready for the next thing. Still, it’s a little surreal to be here, looking back, and realize how much happened, and how many people’s lives were affected by the Ranch monster. It created a definite bond between all of us, a sort of strangely inescapable one, not unlike the ones we have with our families. It doesn’t matter how pissed off you get~ the relationship still stands. It’s for life.

At this point in the day, I’m still not completely clear on all that was said last night. Dan and Tom talked shop about the Ranch, Will and Jimena and Steven had some sort of thing, Laine and Dara locked themselves in the bedroom and had girl talk. I know there was shouting, I know there was chaos, and I know the air felt a little clearer this morning. We’re not there yet, but any means. All I can be absolutely sure of is that I love these people, with all my heart, and we’re going to get there.

doing shit that nobody gets. December 23, 2009

So, I don’t know if people are still reading this, but I feel like I have to say something about my experience over the past four months. I went on a week long trip to Atlanta, that wound up evolving into a four month stay that completely blew my mind and changed me forever. I’m now back in Colorado, around the people and places I left in August, and it’s a strange brew of sameness and total differentness~ something like you’d probably expect after being separated from the people you love and going through a massive personal catharsis. The thing is, whether we’re fully conscious of it, most of us live our lives by committee, to some degree. If your personal committee happens to be made up of people you love and respect, it makes it especially hard to walk away from that and go down a path they can’t see or agree with, even if just for a little while. But if you can push through the reticence about that, there are incredibly beautiful gifts to be found on the other side, because you reach a place of true confrontation with yourself. It’s all too easy to chalk our decisions up to circumstance, or the pressures of the people we’re close to. But the fact is, we’re still the ones making them. We’re living them, and we’re reaping the benefits and consequences. That being the case, a deep appraisal of what’s motivating us and what we really want out of life is probably a worthwhile venture~ at least, if we don’t want to travel through life half-asleep.

I’m not a proponent of arbitrary rebellion. It’s an important part of being a teenager, I think, and being able to establish a sense of individuality. But after you’ve passed that phase, there is something deeper that has to be addressed. Are you actually going to live a life that feels truly authentic, expresses the best and most of who you are? Do you have the courage to be vulnerable and real in your relationships? At what point are you willing to settle? All of us make compromises sometimes, and the ability to be flexible is definitely a positive thing. But the tiny ways in which we sell ourselves out early on can skew our sense of direction enough that we wake up in our forties and are utterly horrified with the lives we find ourselves leading. It’s even more insidious than it would seem. There are choices that seem like solid ones, practical ones, that nevertheless aren’t truly in alignment with who we are and actually will do us far more damage than we think. Everybody’s got areas in which they’re supremely confident, and ones where they’re a little more shaky. The trick is to push through it all, even in the places that are scary, so we can find out what we’re truly capable of and how magical life can really be.

I’m in the middle of a weird process that is leading me slowly towards a life that’s an actually legitimate reflection of who I am. A lot of what I’ve experienced is hard to describe or explain, at least at this juncture. At any point, it’d probably be easier to give the thing up and sort of settle back into what I know, what feels safe to me. But then again, maybe not. I realize that as scared as I get lately, I also know that if I can’t trust my own inner voice, and if I don’t have the courage to follow the path that feels like mine, my life isn’t going to be worth shit, no matter what measures of external success I might acquire. And so, I’m digging into the furthest depths I can reach, and facing down whatever comes up that stands between me and that end. I know it seems crazy sometimes from the outside. In the realm of practicality and structure, I suppose it is. I’m not striving for a reasonable life. I’m striving for a truly organic one. And that entails the sacrifice of being able to count on the approval of a committee. The people closest to me mostly trust me enough at this point to believe that I’ll come out the other side and be okay, but I also see the worried or questioning element in them about what’s happened and what’s going to happen. It’s taking a radical leap of faith to go through this, but faith is something that the world is in desperate need of. As much as we can feign optimism, most of us are kind of cynical at heart~ at least about the areas in which we’ve been hurt. Believing that it really can turn out okay~ more than okay~ despite whatever evidence we’ve amassed in our lives~ takes a lot of guts. But that’s the only way to live, in the end. If you’re on the planet, might as well push it to the absolute limit, and see what happens.

At least, that’s sort of the unspoken credence if you’re going to be an artist. There have to be people that are sort of living on the periphery of society and culture and consciousness, pushing the boundaries. It sounds really lofty, but it might just be one of the most important pieces we have to have in changing the world. Thinking differently. Seeing differently. Being willing to question. Being willing to love, instead of shutting down. There’s a resurgence of some of those sixties’ ideals happening around, and I think it’s a beautiful thing. Maybe this time we’ll be able to bring it home.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

marinate on the concept of airports. August 10, 2009

Today, I thought a lot. And talked less. Ever have that feeling that you don’t really want anyone to talk to you or question you, because you’re busy “downloading” from some ineffable source, and there’s no way you could verbalize it anyway, but it actually feels strangely tasty as it’s happening, like you’re having an incredibly important conversation on some other level of consciousness that your conscious self can’t totally perceive, so it’s not that you’re crusty about other people wanting to talk to you, but it’s more that you know you need to wait to talk to them because you’re actually already engaged in some sort of discussion somewhere else and it would be rude to attempt to carry on both discussions simultaenously, plus you’re really riveted? Yeah. It was pretty much like that.

 

KT’s Mom had a birthday today, and the party was a luau. Everybody pranced around in leis, eating Jell0 casserole and drinking Corona. I am seriously in love with KT’s family. They are all sparkly and darling, and delightful.

 

 

I have a Denver-shaped hole in my heart these days. I miss Denver. I mean, I was there today. Kind of.  At the airport.

I love airports. Magic happens there. That’s the place where you get to leave, and it’s also the place where you get to be reunited with people you love, and it’s ALSO the place where you get to read fashion magazines and drink coffee and wander around thinking about how fabulous it is to travel. It’s all happening at the airport, son.  I think I’m about to go hang out at DIA all day soon, and just watch people and wander around and ponder about which flights I would take if I had the money. Someday soon, I’m gonna go into the airport with no luggage, pick a city, and peace out for the weekend. Yum. That’s how I’ll know I’ve arrived. Tyler was also informing me of how we need to do a day trip~ fly out in the morning, lunch in a random city, get shmammered, and then fly home that night. That is probably the most brilliant plan I’ve ever heard.

 I still have Nana’s flight itinerary in my purse.

“Dream Lover” is probably like, the best cheesy pop song ever. Or at least in the top ten. From the 90’s. But still.

I think love comes in colors. Tyler and KT would totally have yellow and pink love.

 

 I’m pretty sure I’m almost close to it. I don’t really know what “it” is, only that this month, I’m on a holy quest to find and achieve “it” for myself. I think I’ve almost arrived. Dig.

 The truth will set you free. Each time. You just have to be willing to spend a long time figuring out what the truth actually is.

Also, it’s apparently really hard to believe what you’re up to when you’re up to it.

I miss Steven.

I am sort of toying with the idea of STS9 in Atlanta at the end of the month. Southern soul medicine.

Music.

 

Still anxiously awaiting the invention of telephone ice cream. I’m pretty sure if it existed, it could exactly save my life right now.

 Telepathy is weird. It’s gotten to the point with me that like, fifty-seven percent of my thought-train is telepathic stuff, and half the time I don’t even know whether I’m the one who thought it or if I heard someone else thinking it, and this all feels perfectly normal to me. I guess it’s not. Except actually it is, because it’s totally happening to everybody all the time, it’s just that some people have trained themselves not to notice it. Hmm. The telepathic network is like the airport, only with thoughts and feelings instead of bodies. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

 

 

Layers of meaning are real fun, but not quite as fun as when you don’t even get to finish explaining before the person you’re talking to just completely gets it.

I’m pretty sure love is less about discovering something new than remembering something that’s existed within you since the beginning.

 Wonder if it’s actually incredibly awesome to to be sarcastic in such a subtle way that nobody knows you’re being sarcastic but you.

 

Dan is going to Santa Fe this week to visit his old flame, Amy. I think that is definitely a tasty and preferred move.

 

I really want squid. James cooked some for me when he was at the Ranch last month, and it turns out, there is this profound world of Squid Culinary Achievement that kicks so much more ass than calamari, it’s almost a shame to put them in the same category. Don’t you dare go to TGIFriday’s to eat that questionable fried stuff and think you’re having the experience. The real thing is…beyond. Hold out for the real thing. Always.

also, T9 can shampoo my crotch.

I am violently opposed to predictive text. Seriously, you have NO idea what I’m going to say next. At any moment, as well as you think you know me, I could completely shock you by saying something you were formerly convinced I would NEVER say. It’s better to pay attention, and let me actually say it, rather than deciding you already know ahead of time. Because in reality, at any time, anything could happen…including something radically and wildly new. Anything.  If we’re not lip synching to each other in our heads, then the conversation is still actually alive, and therefore it’s constantly ripe with possibility.

That’s a really exciting thing to recognize.

 

 

 

The truest things are also inherently beautiful. Thus, it’s not limiting to let beauty infuse your entire  perspective. If everything looks gross and dark and murky and that’s all you can see about life, you should probably remove your shit-colored goggles.

 

 

 ”When I’m with you

We stay up all night

When you’re not here

I can’t sleep

Praise God for these two insomnias!

And the difference between them.”

~Rumi

 

XO

Sarah

Eat Your Vegetables. August 4, 2009

So right now, I’m in Tom and Laine’s apartment in downtown. It’s early afternoon, and the weather is tantalizingly beautiful. I’m just pining to go outside. Unfortunately, my phone died last night, I don’t have Hank and if I try leaving the building, I’ll get locked out. So, I’m drinking coffee, fiddling with the blinds a lot, listening to Prefuse Radio on Pandora and waiting for Tom to get off work and show me where the bus station is. After a morning of worthless Facebooking, I have finally decided that this is probably a golden opportunity for me to blog about the random shit that’s been on my mind.

Most of you know that the Fire Dept. won’t allow us to bunk at the Ranch anymore. That has made shit pretty difficult~ mainly for me and Steven. It feels incredibly weird to me lately~ despite the fact that I absolutely adore the band boys~ who are now really officially Ranchmates~ it’s unsettling being there for me, because now it feels like nothing there is really mine. I mean, my easels are there, all my paintings are too, but the energy is totally alien~this transition, whilst DEFINITELY being a positive thing, is sort of fucking my shit up. It’s a surreal experience when your house suddenly becomes not your house, yet you still hang out there. Housey habits still pour out of you naturally, except now you get in trouble for them. Picture The Man suddenly appearing in your apartment and then proceeding to regulate your bathroom habits and tell you whether or not you’re allowed to take a nap. Lame. I’ve even bickered with Dan about whether or not it’s okay to use the Ranch shower. And while our new guys are enthusiastic and productive, the old RMates are sort of distracted and less involved (though a couple of them would insist otherwise), and it’s just a weird period. This whole feeling is definitely exacerbated by the fact that I haven’t figured out what I want my living situation to be yet. I’ve been wandering all over the Earth lately, but none of it belongs to me~ I’m always just borrowing other people’s space, and it drives me fucking crazy. I’ve always been a roots girl~ that is, I passionately believe that your results are as solid as your foundation, and that everything carries the imprint of its source. It all originates somewhere. And let me tell you, I am craving some roots right now. I have become aware that it’s almost impossible for me to be reasonable when I don’t have any place to do my Sarah stuff. This year saw me leaving behind three years of independence and privacy in favor of a ridiculous circus of community activity. And it’s not that I don’t love that. I thrive in high-energy, hyperactive kinds of situations. It’s just that I need a place of solace and retreat sometimes. It’s absolutely come home to me how important it is for everyone to have space of their own. Even as a metaphor, it’s completely relevant. As much as we might love each other, if we are all up in each other’s business all the live long day, we’re both going to get resentful and crusty and sort of start to feel depleted. You gotta be your own person, or else you become handicapped in a symbolic sense, so when you need both arms for something and your Other Arm isn’t around, you’re fucked. Know what I mean?

And YET~ almost as a contradiction to what I just said, lately it’s like the Universe is on this kick about getting me to really believe in love again. I mean REALLY. Of course, I never stopped disagreeing with love~ in theory. But, as I was telling Laine last night at the Snug over too many gin-and-tonics, part of me is really turning into a cynical bitch-hag. And I truly don’t want to be. I am one of “those” who is convinced that the world can be saved with tree-planting, pretty shoes, hugs and hallucinogens. But at the same time, almost as a challenge to all that shiny optimism, I’ve been confronted with the dark side of human nature so much over the course of my life that a part of me has gotten real pissed off and stopped believing. The dark side of things really fascinates me~ all my relationships and the people I’ve been closest to have been touched by it in some important way. But as intriguing as it looks from a distance, if you step too close to it, it will devour you. Curiosity will probably be the death of me, and thus, I’ve gotten devoured a couple of times. And it’s not that it’s impossible to recover from. I believe nothing is. It’s just that after a handful of experiences in which things that are seemingly pure and beautiful wind up turning totally rotten and breaking your heart, it gets hard to believe anything else is ever gonna happen. It starts to feel like that’s the only possible ending to anything. Plus, I’m kind of a speed demon~ I like everything happening to me at once, in a giant explosion of fiery activity. After getting out of a few relationships and feeling like soggy shit, it started to make sense to me that I could get around much faster, with greater breadth of movement and more juicy experiences if I didn’t let anybody tie me down. You know, the feeling that relationships sort of suck you dry and make you sad and unreasonable and force you to look at your neediness and blah blah blah~ there’s that option, or there’s the one in which you get to be an unstoppable badass that breezes around the world, being radically successful at whatever, enjoying people but never getting attached, totally light and unencumbered with any messy relationship shenanigans, focusing on what YOU want to focus on and coming and going as you please. That’s a pretty clear choice, right? I totally thought so. The problem with that whole scenario is that 1. it forces you to lop off emotional chunks of yourself and desert them, because the truth is, people are a big deal to all of us, so we have to deny a big piece of ourselves in order to stay unaffected and 2. if you fall in love, you’re gonna be fucked anyways. Game over. Even if you’ve twisted yourself into an emotional pretzel by the time it happens to you, you’re going to find yourself compelled to do certain things, make certain decisions~ things that might appear to be ”mysterious” but are actually driven by the things you feel, even if you don’t FEEL like you feel them. The gravity of love is as strong as the other form of gravity, and it ain’t over til it’s over. So. What to do? Sometimes it really does seem like a really fucked-up joke on the part of the Universe. But on the other hand, when all that easy-breezy autonomy starts to feel really empty and lonely, love is exactly the tonic that breathes life back into the world and makes it all make sense. Quite the conundrum.

It’s painfully emo of me, but there are definitely periods in my life during which I become completely convinced that I’m actually the only one with feelings. It starts feeling like everybody else is on some kind of auto-pilot survivalist elevator towards whatever goals they’ve decided are important, and I’m the only one who really FEELS and SEES what’s going on, not to mention gives a shit about all of it. It’s not even a conscious thing, or something that makes me mad, it’s more of a weary cynicism about human nature and the reason people get into relationships in the first place. I see so-and-so not listening at all, or ignoring someone who needs them, or making some sort of retarded power play for no reason other than to feel superior, and I just start losing faith. I even feel it in myself sometimes, and it’s like, wow. Maybe we all really are a lost cause.

I admit that I’ve spent plenty of time this year feeling that. Some of it was just probably the dregs of the life breakdown I experienced last year, and some of it might have been even older. But some of the occurrences of the past week are leading me to believe that there may actually be some hope. First of all, I’ve spent more quality time than ever before with both my brothers’ girlfriends, and it turns out, they both REALLY love my brothers. But ACTUALLY. I just GOT it about how deep it was, how much vulnerability was in it, what they’d both be willing to do for it. That absolutely touched me, because I realized that two of the relationships closest to me were made out of real substance, and I also realized that the two men I love most in the world were with women who are fully aware of how wonderful they are.

Good.

Then, there’s our friend Tyler. Tyler is a genius. Seriously. He’s a fountain of incredible creative ideas that pretty much never stop. He’s been planning to move to Florida and go to FullSail for graphic design stuff. He’s also been adamant about not getting entangled in any kind of relationship shenanigans before leaving the Springs, because he knew a girl could potentially derail his plans, and he wasn’t having any of it. This has been the going story for the past six months. But see, we also have this friend, Katie Thomas. (That’s what we call her~ she’s one of those people that just has to be full-named. I’m pretty sure it’s kosher, but just in case, I’m gonna refer to her as KT from here on out. Because nobody else gets full-named in the blog. And I want to be fair.) KT thought Tyler was cute at some point long ago, but they had never really hung out. If either one of them came up to the Ranch, they missed each other. Both had delivered speeches in the fairly recent present about their disdain for the idea of getting into one of THOSE sorts of relationships any time soon. And then, in a completely casual spirit, they hung out last Monday.

And it began.

In all my life, I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people as smitten with each other. It’s ridiculous, and sappy, and absolutely fucking great. Both of them are absolutely amazed, enthralled, struggling to believe the other one really exists, etc. Plans for the future are already starting to shift. And the thing is, it’s absolutely the right thing. (Also, add in the fact that Tyler is now going to be in Denver and doing art with me and probably some music with the boys, and generally contributing the tasty Tyler emotional energy that completes our circle and makes everything kick ass on a whole new level). First off, as I’ve said before, there is WAY too big a focus in our culture lately on radical autonomy. If you choose love over career/school in Timbuktu, then you’re either a hopeless weakling, or else like, Amish. It’s total fucking bullshit. It’s time people recognize that love is an incredibly legitimate and REAL factor in our decisions. Of course, I will never condone anybody ruining their own life for the sake of becoming a nodding and drooling Moon-Unit, but there’s a big space of gray in between those extremes. Secondly, even though this is sort of shaking up the trajectory their lives were on, it’s actually opening them both up and giving this whole new level of meaning to what they’re both doing. And why they’re doing it.

I am eating it all up with a spoon. As crazy as she is over him, he is over her. They’re both drunk with glee. They’re both about to be living lives that kick about ten or ninety times more ass than their previous ones, on several levels. YES. THIS is the kind of love that is worth supporting, believing in. It’s impossible to resist it anyway, and besides, it does what it’s supposed to and makes the world a little more beautiful.

Maybe none of that sounds like much. But at heart, I’m really always looking for a reason not to give up. All I need is a little more faith, and I know I can get to the other side of this intact. Just gotta achieve a room of my own. And a few more tick-marks on the Relationships-Not-Being-A-Dirty-Trick scoreboard. Cuz love…yeah. It’s terrifying, and unreasonable, and unpredictable, but it also brings out the noblest and truest part of people. So, as inconvenient as it is, it has to stay. We need it. Like vegetables and Vitamin D. It’s gonna be the thing that saves us all.  So even if you’re not in it momentarily, get ready. It’s coming for you.

That is probably enough rambling for now. I’m gonna go hit the shower and await Tom’s arrival. I’ll let you know how this all shakes out this month..stay tuned.

XO

Sarah

Epiphany Factory~ Pt. Two~ A Musical Rebuttal to Nietzsche July 28, 2009

Now. The Music.

Steven and I have discussed the fact that we both went through a period in the past few years in which we felt music was pretty much dead. There was a pretty epic period in the industry in the early 90’s~ and after that, it started depleting until it all felt tired and regurgitated.  Everything seemed to be either an attempt at a retro revival, or some sort of lame genre-fusion. Rock and roll was so exciting in the 60′ and 70’s~ where was our generation’s answer to that kind of power and originality?

Fortunately,  I think I see the answer. Music is not dead. In fact, I will even venture to say that something is being born now that rivals and even surpasses the most exciting breakthroughs in music in the past century. Oh yes. It has arrived.

Some background: first off, I’m from the South. Being a Southern girl by blood, and born to two musicians who spent their early twenties in a rock band together, I know the goods when I hear ‘em. As Will says, ” a little tip for you Yankees: music comes from the South.” That is where the deepest, grooviest, funkiest, most soulful, rhythmic, take-you-to-town-and-eat-your-face-off-while ripping-your heart-out-and-bringing-you-to-tears, come-to-Jesus, epic and true sound is generated: in the Southern bayou, the peach trees, the streets of Atlanta. (Sorry if you don’t agree. You’re just wrong, and  you probably haven’t actually BEEN there. Go. You’ll see what I’m talkin’ about.) Anyways, music is in my bones, and it’s the singularly biggest influence I have on every level. (Yes, I’m a visual artist. Sometimes I get bent out of shape about that, because since I was little I’ve always wanted to be in the band. But when something sonical hits my brain, it turns into pictures. Most of my art is generated as a response to something I’ve heard. Sometimes it’s generated by something more ethereal, but mainly, music is the stuff that reminds me of how I really feel about shit. They say that the Universe was created by Sound, and I would have a real hard time arguing that.)

Secondly, I spent a good part of my late teens and early twenties going to  raves. Will and Dan and the rest of the boys were total candy kids, and we all got really into electronic music. As much fun as it was, there was definitely a missing component on an emotional level for me. Electronica becoming such a big feature in modern music is really appropriate, given our dependency on and fascination with technology. There are amazing things that can be done with it. It’s just that on its own, it can run a bit flat. Still, something hugely important was born out of that era~ a vital new component to musical composition, and a subculture based around dancing and feeling good.

Lastly~ the electric guitar. My dad took me to see the Allman Brothers a couple years ago, and Derek Trucks was on tour with them. That dude totally blew my mind. I was standing there, riveted, because I realized he was TALKING to me with that guitar. I absolutely heard what he was saying, on a much deeper level than I ever could have had he been using words to communicate. It just grabbed me by the heart and squeezed. So, I do realize what the guitar is capable of. I absolutely love what it did for classic rock. It was epic, soulful, electrifying. And  yet, another conversation Steven and Sarah conversation has been about how tired the guitar feels currently. Because it’s been used so heavily, and usually as the melodic lead, it’s sort of started to feel cliche. (No offense to those of y’all that play guitar. Plenty of the men I love do. And I have mad respect.)  I’m just saying, it’s  time for a rebirth as far as how it’s utilized. It’s been carrying the load in rock music for so long that it’s even more difficult to find new directions to take it. (Or so I thought.)

Back to the show. I want to say a word about all the bands that went on before STS9 did, because the build-up was a vital part of the context that was created.  The Album Leaf opened the show. They came on around 4 in the afternoon, with the weather still overcast. People were still trickling in, and the vibe was very chill.  It was an amazing set. Their music is beautiful, sort of rainy and dreamy and rolling hills-y. They were tight, yet there was this sense of looking in on  a private jam session. It felt like being invited into their living room or something~ it was raw and natural and totally lacking in pretense. It was the perfect beginning to the evening~ it got everybody into good spirits, and started building excitement for what was coming later.

The Pnuma Trio played next, and they were great. A little more up-tempo than the Leaf, but nothing raucous or demanding.  By the time they finished,  the  sun had started going down a little, and the anticipation was building. Pretty Lights came out then, and I have to say, I was absolutely blown away. It was right around sunset, the park was almost full, and everybody started really rocking out.  Incredibly groovy, gorgeous stuff. (Try “Finally Moving”, if you’re curious. ) The stars were coming out. It was pouring rain. Everybody was dancing. We were getting closer….

And then, The Magic. STS9 came out. Keep in mind, I’ve never listened to these guys in recorded form. This is not the kind of music that you need to be familiar with in order to appreciate. In fact, the recorded version almost demeans it.  Oh man. I really don’t even know where to begin in describing this. When they appeared on stage, the feeling was like the entire crowd had been slowly climbing a hill on a roller coaster. We were creeping upwards, inching towards the zenith, and then, after briefly pausing at the top, we plummeted. Our stomachs cumulatively flipped. Everybody started dancing like their lives depended on it. We were all muddy, soaking wet, dancing in unison, and the music was transporting the crowd to a place in another league, on another level.

Experentially, it was just intensely beautiful. There is this certain energy I’ve been chasing and promoting for most of my life. I have a hard time  verbalizing it, but I definitely always recognize it when I see it.  I’ve experienced it in small doses in various places through my life~ certain places in nature, certain conversations I’ve had, seeing Saul Williams live a few years ago. The funny thing is, the medium it’s expressed in is pretty much irrelevant. The feeling is always the same~ the way people react  to it, and the realizations it brings. I figured out awhile ago that that energy is what I want to bring into the world, and that any tactic or venue that allows me to do it is completely acceptable. That being said, I think music is one of the most powerful and universal channels for it to come through, and  this is the first time I’ve ever experienced it in a live show format. (To be honest, I never felt like I really got the live show thing. Shows are fun, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve always been partially fascinated with and partially jealous of the screaming, jumping, tearful fans I’ve seen in videos. I couldn’t fully relate~ until now.) That  sound eclipsed everything but the moment.

Sonically, it’s kind of hard to describe. As weird as it may sound, there were times during the show in which I sort of transcended everything and went somewhere else. Between the amazing light show, the sound, the people, and the dancing, it was sort of impossible to take it all in at once. Ultimate Sensory Overload.  The guitar really grabbed me~ it felt juicy and alive and soulful, the way I imagine it sounding in the early days of classic rock. It had enough of that quality that it sounded like a tribute, yet it was also something completely new at the same time. The electronic component was absolutely alive too, and groovy as hell. The composition of all of it was sophisticated and interesting, yet it was still accessible and absolutely fucking delicious~ I am convinced, it would have been utterly impossible to keep from shaking my ass like crazy. (As far as I’m concerned, the good music is the stuff that hits you in between the hips and compels you to gyrate. I’ve always been into the low end of a song~ the bass and the drums are really what gives you the tingly feeling and drives it all home.)  STS9 had it in spades. I don’t think I’ve ever danced like that in my entire life. This was beyond anything I ever experienced at a rave. It felt like electric shocks were coursing through my body, and I was compelled to move with the force of my whole soul.  Musically, it was like a tribute to our big musical roots~ organic and electronic, but fuller, and richer, and a marriage that brought more out of both of them than was ever possible when they stood alone. It sort of sonically answered all the questions I’ve posed about the future of music, and soothed all my fears about what’s been happening lately. For the first time, I truly could see the culmination of everything that’s been missing or disjointed up until this point.

The music also blessed me with a persistent stream of visual images all night. I was so full of ideas for things I wanted to create that I’ve probably forgotten half of them already. (I think the most important ones stuck.) I’ve never been so inspired in such a short chunk of time. I also started to see  new possibilities for the combination of art and music, and how much they have to offer each other.  Spiritually, the whole thing felt like coming home. The gateway for new soul in modern music, an avenue to  actually shift people’s consciousness in the course of a couple hours, a way to create community, to satiate spiritual and emotional poverty, and a way to create beauty in a way that’s impossible to deny. I was surrounded by the people dearest to me whom I absolutely love,  and a bunch of people I’d never met but for the evening,  loved anyway. I just can’t say enough. I see this as the beginning of a mission to uplift the spirit of the world and remind everybody what is actually important and true about life. Honestly, it’s still just in the fledgling stages, but it’s definitely arrived, and it will only grow from here. The seed of magic has been planted.

I don’t know if I’ve done a sufficient job of describing it, but really, words pale in comparison. Honestly, if you really want to know, you probably need to go see for yourself. (They are still touring, and if you’re local, there’s talk of a New Year’s show that I would DEFINITELY make it a point to be at if I were you. ) My main point is that music is not dead. God isn’t either. There is a new path to salvation, and it appears to me that the arts are going to pave the way. Of course, that sounds preposterous and lofty. But we’re in need of something exactly like that.  The pop fixation on apathy and breezy unaffectedness  is just weak bullshit. Let’s pour our souls into creating something gorgeous and nourishing~ a tribute to the gift of life, and a message of  hope for everyone. That’s not something that can be half-assed. It’s gonna take a  passionate, fiery, balls-to-the-wall commitment. And hey, if you’re not an artist by nature, it’s totally cool. All you need do is come to the shows and dance your heart out.

So. That’s what I have to say about the musical and creative components. I have a few other tidbits, and maybe a bit more detail about the Ranch for an upcoming blog. In the meantime, thanks for listening. Hopefully, in the midst of all my rambling and gushing, I’ve  given you something of substance to marinate on.

XO,

Sarah

The Epiphany Factory~ Pt. One~ It Takes A Village. July 27, 2009

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve talked about what’s been going down at the Ranch (new working name: Red Science). The thing is, everything is still in the process of morphing into its next incarnation, and it’d be hard for me to report the “facts” as to what exactly IS currently going down. Secondly, the Ranchmates have all been spending  time doing things away from the Ranch lately. Tom is now living with Laine downtown. His car got stolen (exciting plot twist!), which means he’s got to take the bus in order to get Ranch-wise. Dan is now bunking with the band (Cole, Andrew, Pat) a few minutes away. Jameson is moving in with a friend in Washington Park, and we’ve seen him quite a bit less lately. (Sad face. But his girlfriend Kaley is moving up next month, so we should be getting some good quality time with those cats soon.) Steven and I have been spending a lot of time in the Springs, loitering in parking lots late at night and talking about aliens and Narnia with Skippy and Tyler.  Honestly, I think everybody needed a break. The Ranch is a magical place,  but it can also be a high-maintenance bitch. My gut feeling is that we’re all sort of recharging, so we can be all shiny and rested for the next big push.  Which I guarantee you, is on its way. And soon.

So that’s the stats, but what I REALLY want to tell you about is the life-changing, schuzz-explosion of Holy Truth that I experienced on Saturday. Mind you, I was totally teed up. I’ve been hearing about this for almost a year. However, even after all the hype, I can honestly say I feel like a changed woman since I’ve experienced it firsthand.

As of last summer, Dan was living in Fort Collins, I was in the downtown Springs,  and Steven was planning to move to Florida and go to school. Steven was dating a chick who called him up and said, “hey dude, I’ve got tickets to this STS9 show at Red Rocks, wanna go?”  He told Tom and Tyler about it, and they all wandered into Red Rocks, completely unknowing. Then their fucking minds got blown. This was the Holy Epiphany, the future of music, what they HAD to do. Thus, the plan of Tom and Steven moving to Denver was born. So really, STS9 is the wholly responsible for the Ranch’s very existence. If the boys hadn’t gone, Steven would be living in Florida, I’d probably still be in the Springs, Dan would be in Fort Collins, and Tom might never had started working at the Cheesecake Factory, where he discovered Cole, and hence, the rest of the band. Trippy shit. I have to marvel at how carefully orchestrated it all feels~ and how seemingly random events can wind up changing our lives forever.

Anyway, to pay homage to our Ranch roots, Steven, Tom, Tyler, Laine and I went to see STS9 at Red Rocks on Saturday.  When we showed up, it was gray and cloudy, a little rainy~ one of those warm and wet days that only happen in the summer. The parking lot was brimming with fascinating people in bright colors with flowers in their hair, hocking their random wares and emitting generally good vibes. (I asked Tyler where he thought all the hippies went when there wasn’t a kick-ass show going on. He figures they hide in the hills and fields, waiting for the magical sound of music to awaken them and let them know, it’s time to party down.)

After we finally decided to attack the climb into the venue, we settled into a pretty perfect view of the stage, near the VIP section. As we were waiting, the rows in front of us kept magically accumulating people. At first it seemed fairly reasonable~ there were maybe fifteen of them. But fifteen turned into twenty-five, then thirty-five, and eventually there were like, fifty people, all of whom appeared to know each other, and were squealing with delight at being reunited. Laine and I befriended this adorable green-eyed 19 year old, Rip, who informed us that these kids had all graduated high school together in Summit County. I was in awe. “You mean, you all just love each other?” Apparently, they absolutely do.

A word on that. In some ways,  I feel like I failed. I had no interest in my graduating class, or in high school in general. I felt it was a ridiculous waste of my time, the cross I had to bear in order to win the right to my precious freedom. I mean, there were people I was fascinated with. But I never talked to any of them. In retrospect, I realize that high school was hard and weird and I was mainly just trying to survive it. But I have to wonder, what would it be like if we all loved our graduating class as much as the Summit County kids  do? I know I sound like a hippie, but I’m really serious. Never underestimate the value of building community. In the midst of a strong cultural push towards radical autonomy, that’s a point that needs to be reiterated. It takes a village, yo. Nobody can do it alone. And really, doing it alone is really not that fun. I’m not a fan of shit that’s not fun. It’s all so much better when we’re together.

After the venue starting filling up, and the SC kids continued enthusiastically discovering each other, the concept of “seats” became totally obsolete. We were tightly packed in, and strangely enough, it felt completely awesome. I’m one of those people who get a little pissed off in huge crowds, am extremely suspicious of close talkers, etc. But this was just…I don’t know. This was different. Like a giant hug. Even though I didn’t know most of these guys, I felt completely connected to them. There was the Flower Girl, who had some sort of fragrant blossom that she kept demanding for people to smell,  the dude with a wreath of daisies in his hair, my new friend Rip, and a ton of other people, most of whom smiled brightly and introduced themselves. The thing is, in a big crowd, even one or two people who are crusty/creepy/riddled with ulterior motives can poison the whole atmosphere. This was clean. It was absolutely beautiful, actually.

So much of a show’s energy is dependent on the crowd. It’s really a symbiotic relationship~ if you have a kick-ass crowd, fiveish bands are still fun to see. Likewise, you can have an absolutely rocking band play, but if the crowd is drunk and belligerent, it’s pretty much ruined.  This was far and away the most amazing crowd I’ve ever been part of. No one was trying to impress anyone, no one was crusty, no one was trying to act superior. Everyone  was  drunk on music, loving each other, and blissfully dancing their asses off.

Now. I’m an intensely spiritual girl. I understand that there are a myriad of divergent takes on what it means to walk the spiritual path. I completely and totally respect that. In my mind, there are as many ways to get to God as there are people, and every spiritual tradition is rich with meaning and comfort for its devotees. Dig. That being said, there are a few universal experiences that unite all of us despite our differing theological proclivities, that are pure Truth. One of these is people coming together to dance. Dance is more intimate in some ways than any other activity. When you get down and really into it, it’s incredibly honest. It’s physical, emotional, and spiritual. It may, in fact, be the most authentic way to pray. And let me tell you. Red Rocks is a naturally formed ampitheatre, and it feels almost like it was created by the gods for us to use for holy purposes. Dancing my heart out, in the pouring rain, to the grooviest, funkiest music ever, in the flashing colored lights, with about 9000 other people~ it absolutely felt like being kissed full on the mouth by God. (do yourself a favor and go read Saul Williams.) There was no bullshit, no fretting about the future or rehashing the past. It was being fully, radiantly alive with absolutely no pretense, in the MOMENT. I think a lot of spirituality is about learning to be fully present in the moment. That’s what makes meditation, music, prayer,  sex.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as enthralled in the present moment as I was Saturday night. This is what music is intended to do. Unite, heal, inspire~ and COMPEL you to shake your ass.

Granted,  had I been in the stands alone, I probably would have danced anyway. But something about the magic of community made the experience what it was. We all wander around, feeling lost and alone a lot of the time. It’s a powerful thing to drop all the shenanigans we have going in our lives and just get down together in the mud and rain. I feel positive that God/ the Gods/Goddess/Universe loves it when we do. Personally, this is my idea of  what church should be~ feeling the energy building, rising into the sky, and as if to answer, the weather moved in tandem with us~ huge gusts of wind with the build-ups in the music,  rain when we were hot, warmth when it got too chilly.  The intimate connection between everything was irrefutable.

So. That’s one piece. I’ve got a lot more to say on the music, things I realized, and all that jazz. Stay tuned…

but baby, I was thinking about you the Whole Time! July 25, 2009

Yo.

I really am going to post a reasonable update soon. I have a grip of shit to report. Unfortunately, LIVING through it is seriously retarding my ability to blog. But it’s coming. I promise. Stay tuned.

XO

Sarah

The Fall of the Great Shania July 2, 2009

Oh help, everything is real different again now. But it’s all definitely good. I’m pretty sure. Real update soon.

 

XO

Sarah

our tender beginnings. June 24, 2009

http://www.psyoniclabs.com/

Dude. Our new friends in the studio (Cole, Andrew and Pat, for future reference) found this site~ it’s the Ranch, old school, before we found it. Tom just called me into the studio to check out the pictures…. (click on the “professional recording studio”  link) Pretty interesting. As we’re all running around, creating the first official incarnation of The Ranch, take a gander at a previous incarnation it had. This place is so cool. (If you click on the floor plan~ the “raised platform lounge” is now the Sarah Fort….)